1. Going down on you for approximately 15 seconds. So great that you’ve finally realised oral sex feels amazing for most women, but don’t act like you’re god’s gift to women just because you did the bare minimum of oral required to look generous and #woke. If you’re gonna go down there, make it count, my dude.
2. Making you orgasm one single time. Oh, haha congrats, it’s the 16th time we’re hooking up, and you finally figured out how to make this enjoyable for me and not just you. Excuse me for not giving you a high-five for this.
3. Making a big deal of saying, “I love it when you come.” Buddy, literally all of us get some amount of enjoyment out of making our partners orgasm. It feels good to make the person you’re boning feel good. You did not invent orgasm altruism, and I refuse to give you the Nobel Prize you so crave for this.
4. Being “cool” with whatever pubic hair situation you have going on. I see that you’re trying to be “woke” and accepting of my hygiene routine, but pal, none of this is for you, and none of it requires your commentary or approval.
5. Letting you know it’s OK if you don’t want to give them a blow job. Yeah, obviously it’s OK for me to never do anything I don’t want to do, but thanks for the permission.
6. When you ask what they like, and they say, “I like whatever you like ;-).” The best is when they say, “I just like turning you on.” That is not an answer! Just please tell me what you like so this experience can be enjoyable for both of us.
7. Pausing mid-thrust to stroke your chin, stare into your eyes, and say, “You’re so pretty.” I can see how men would think this is romantic and cool because it’s in a lot of movie sex scenes, but eye contact does not make IRL women melt and fall instantly in love.
8. Telling you they want to wait. My personal philosophy is that guys think women will throw themselves at them if they say some shit like, “I care about you too much to have sex with you on the first date.” What they don’t realise is this is just another way of saying “I can’t respect any woman who would slut it up with me on date one, and I respect you, therefore we can’t fuck.” OK, pal. That’s just fancy slut-shaming and I can see straight through it.
9. Offering to get a condom. Women go through hell to make sure they stay baby-free on their terms, so excuse me for not jumping for joy when you offer to go buy a $5 pack of condoms that’ll keep us from passing STIs off to each other.
10. Realising your nipples exist. Who is spreading the rumor that all women love it when men suck on their nipples like breastfeeding infants for five minutes per nipple during foreplay? Somehow each man who does this thinks he’s the first to do it, like he’s the Indiana Jones of boobs. The best is when they peep up at you with their little eyes as if to see how much you’re loving all this tiresome nipple action.
11. Realising your clit exists. Honestly.
12. Anything that isn’t missionary. They especially love to do that thing where they throw your legs over their shoulders, so you ended up folded in half like a pretzel while they bounce around on top of you. I love the enthusiasm behind wanting to do ~fancy~ things in bed, but maybe check to make sure your partner is enjoying herself before you get all proud.
13. Marathon oral sex sessions, just to prove a point. I’m talking, like, the dude’s been down there for 20-plus minutes, you are more than ready to move onto the next thing, but he insists, insists, on making you come first. How do you politely tell someone, “Please stop, my vagina has lost all feeling, this is ludicrous.”
14. How long they can last. Look, an hour in, this is just starting to get physically painful for me. I don’t care how long you can keep that thing hard. The best sex lasts no more than 15 minutes, not including foreplay. Anything else is just a meaningless, hyper-masculine bragging right.
15. Size/girth/shape/whatever of their penises. Women 👏 don’t 👏 care. 👏